What do I do now?
Now I have too much time on my hands.
I spent more than twelve hours a day with Ella,
usually holding her on my shoulders…
Now my Ella is not here.
I no longer need to rush when I am outside doing errands.
No longer need to hold and pat her back.
No longer need to feed her.
No longer need to change her diapers.
No longer need to sing and pray for her.
No longer need to sleep just four hours a day.
It feels weird.
More than anything, I miss Ella.
I miss her constant cries–it was a way to communicate to us that she was alive and well.
Even with four other kids, my house seems to be quiet and lifeless.
The emptiness and stillness drive me crazy…
But I must get used to this.
Taken on 11/12/09 with Micah oppa
